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Riffing My Immortal: Chapter 44

Previously on My Immortal

After some more pointless angsting with Draco, Our Fair Sue confronted 80s action heroes of various calibers before incapacitating Lupin with something that might have actually been a Harry Potter spell. With the faculty member immobilized, Ebony opted to torture him with a mixture of pointless melodrama, the Goth Blob, candy, the French Revolution, and a surprisingly well-armed orgy. Then Snape shut things down by pulling an aerial driveby in one of those stupid goth cars.

A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 15

Homophobia/philia counter: 6/14

Wardrobe porn counter: 55

Orgasm counter: 37

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 45

Chapter 44. In which… it ends.

AN: well I hav noffing 2 sa but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!

You know, some glam metal would be great right about now…

111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!!!!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.

And I guess… she never came back!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And that’s…

that’s the last unbalanced ‘X’-bar we will ever see.

I’m sad.

“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily.

Did he hit the tires?

But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car.

Snape, if I recall correctly.

It wuz………….Snape!!!!!

Why am I not surprised?

“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads.” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us.

I’m not sure exactly what word Tara was trying for there, or what exactly the word she typed means, but it sure sounds painful.

“Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed.

Well you got that part right.

Den the Dork Lord shall never die!!!!”

“You fucking prep!!!” yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him

Yes you did, consent doesn’t change the reality of the sex act…

but he’s a ropeist!!!!”

is that why he was always tying you up?

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan.

Who remained naked for… some inexplicable reason.

We were so scarred!!!!1

Yeah, after that hideous sex scene I’m pretty scarred too.

But Satan didn’t change. Instead he changed

I love the consistency you’ve worked into this ‘fic…

into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111

He-who-hath-many-names (and gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin) counter: 46

“I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!”

Please. Do.

Thunder came in da room.

Orgasm counter: 38

“No plz don’t kill us!” pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.

It’s the whole damn cast! (And I think some of the same person multiple times.)

“What is da meaning of dis?” Dumblydore asked all angrily

Your guess is as good as mine…

and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.)

He-who-hath-many-names (and a fear of angry preps) counter: 47

He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily.

Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

He-who-hath-many-names (and a high-altitude evil broomstick a high-altitude evil SEXY broomstick) counter: 48

“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 16

“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!”

In that order?

Snape ejaculated menacingly.

Orgasm counter: 39

“You fucking preppy fags!” Serious shouted angrily.

Homophobia/philia counter: 7/14

“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” screamed Harry

Worst. One-liner. Ever.

but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car. It fell down

Good to know that cars can be tortured too…

Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with

With the void, apparently.

“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton.” He laughed meanly.

More than you are already, anyway.”

“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!!!!11”

“Whats she talking abott??????” Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.

I have no idea.

“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Harry shouted angrily.

“Shut up!!!111’” Lumpkin roared.

“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.”

Dye… black, I’m sure.

“Think again you fucking muggle poser!!!!!1” Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns!

That’s…

That’s three people.

But Voldimort took out his own one.

He-who-hath-many-names (and his own one) counter: 49

“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly.

Quid??

“Acco Nevel’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil’s wind was in his hands.

He-who-hath-many-names (and Nevil’s wind in his hands): 50

“Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!!!!!!!!11111”

I guess “everyone” includes Ebony.

He maid lighting come all over da place.

Orgasm counter: 40

“Save us Ebony!” Dumbledark cried.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco

And you’re welcome to do it all, as long as I don’t have to watch any more.

but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

Such as being a SUE!

“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.

A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 16

Homophobia/philia counter: 7/14

Wardrobe porn counter: 55

Orgasm counter: 40

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 50

Until next time, friends and neighbors…

No. There will never be a next time.

Ever again.

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Riffing My Immmortal: Chapter 43

Chapter 43. In which the sex gets weird.

(Well, weirder, I suppose…)

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz.

Liar.

Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111

The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

if u flam den fukk u!!!111

But what happens if I flim?

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I wonder if this makes Tara an ex goth?

I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom

Whatever the hell that means…

in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!!!!!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 55

“Draco are you okay????” I asked.

“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.

One of these things is not like the others.

“Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?” I asked teardully.

Oh, you’re pretty dull all right.

“I-” Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room!!

They didn’t see us.

“Im so glad we me and Snape were freed.” said Loopin.

Im so glad we Snape and I were freed.”

Being in My Immortal is no excuse for that mistake.

“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Norris argreed.

Maybe you should have thought of that before going to work at a school, Chuck.

“Pop addelum!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

That…. sounds like a real Harry Potter spell.

It isn’t, but it sounds like one.

“Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him.

Orgasm counter: 37

And that would most definitely be something worth screaming about.

Mr. Norris ran away.

And good riddance.

“You fukking perv.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!”

Yep. I’d sure as hell call that torture.

“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Loopin.

Oh, wait, right.

He-who-hath-many-names (and an unknown location) counter: 45

Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn’t know who Satan was really.

Then he’s in good company.

“Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!!1” Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way,

Your description sucked enough the first time!

Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.

And who the hell are all these people?

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket.

She was careful to leave the butterscotch where it was.

And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily.

Pardon?”

Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off

But they add so much flavor!

and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes.

In that order?

Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol.

Ok, I’ve heard of gun porn before but this is ridiculous.

“Oh mi satan!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy

He put his diamond in your police car?

Den he did da same fing to Harry.

Once again…

Bow chicka bow OW!

I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. “OMS!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed.

Stop repeating repeating yourself yourself.

“Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore.

Oh, after this he’s sure gonna be sore…

Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists.

Because apparently watching a poorly-written sex scene was not torture enough.

Suddenly……………………………..………….

A few hours after suddenly…

a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows.

Passing cleanly through the Great Hall and never appearing again.

And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11

Good for him.

Until next time, friends and neighbors…

Riffing My Immortal: Chapter 42

Previously on My Immortal

Tara regained consciousness once more in an earlier iteration of the office representing all Norse, realizing that its shitty goth decorations from the early 2000s had been replaced with shitty goth decorations dating at least as far back as the 1960s. Realizing her death had somehow sent her back in time (although maybe it’s just that 1980s goth Hogwarts is literally Hell and she would have ended up there naturally), she gabbled with Voldemort for a while and observed the growing feud between the Malfoys and Potters. She was then introduced to Hedwig the Owl, inexplicably transformed into an overly goth male human with a broken arm and a previous involvement with the Marauders.

Apparently still possessing owl-level intelligence, Hedwig consented to Ebony digging a Deus Ex Machina brand proto-smartphone out of her pocket and filming him/her having sex with Voldemort in the middle of the Great Hall. Owl and man got right down to business and compared sidearms, but were interrupted by the complete stoppage of time and the arrival of Metalhead Dumbledore and Chuck Norris, ready to kick some ass Die Hard style (at least I sincerely hope they’re ready, but they’ll probably let the Gothblob off with a warning again and return to more productive pursuits).
A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 15

Homophobia/philia counter: 6/13

Wardrobe porn counter: 49

Orgasm counter: 35

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 39
Chapter 42. In which all Hell breaks loose.

(And I don’t mean the Gothblob.)

da blak parade

Which would actually be a pretty cool chapter title anywhere but here, where the entire ‘fic has been a neverending “black parade” since chapter 1.

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111.

Given that I’m not sure if you are mentally capable of reading, I fail to see why you’d care.

I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort

He-who-hath-many-names (and multiple personalities) counter: 40

Also, that’s a ridiculous idea.

koz dey are both haff-blood

No they’re not.

so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111

No it won’t. That doesn’t explain anything. It’s stupid.

nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111

And no, that’s an absolutely idiotic idea completely divorced from Harry Potter canon that only a dribbling imbecile like Tara Gilesbie could-

Wait.

Did she just get it right?????

Ahh well…

He-who-hath-many-names (and a hairy… something) counter: 41

omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it??

Nope. False alarm. Stupid again!

If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic!!!!!111111

Homophobia/philia counter: 6/14

And I’m pretty sure that’s not Kosher.

fangz 4 da help wiv facts,
WHAT facts?!

medusa u rok!!!111

Whoever you are.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I think the length indicates the amount of… something in the chapters.

Wardrobe porn, maybe.

And then the 666 would indicate where relative to the wardrobe porn density map Ebony has sex??

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian.

Whatever punishment he assigns you is less than you deserve.

Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly.

How the hell do you sit cruelly? Was he using a puppy as a footstool or something?

He looked more young den he did in da future.

Yes, that’s generally how it works…

*gives Tara a condescending headpat*

He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.

Keep in mind that he couldn’t “lizzen” to that song without Ebony putting it on “da ipod” in the first place.

“What da hell is this anyway??”

GOOD. FUCKING. QUESTION.

he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.

“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.

Actually, yes. You should blame Ibony. You should blame Ibony for everything.

“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” Serious said deviantly.

Well that’s certainly deviant, but how does that help their case?

“Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled.

(An enormous cockle.)

“If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!!

PLEASE!

That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.”

Oh yeah, you go Dumbledore!

He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song.

Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging!

That… doesn’t sound like any N’Sync song I’ve ever heard, but maybe they were really into done-tempo cowbells at some point and I just didn’t notice.

Dumblydore didn’t notece.

“You fucking poser.” I muttoned.

“I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2-

A sudden deus ex machina?

Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11

close enough.

“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.

“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.

“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom.

Who is Tom? Tom Bombodil? Tom Rid?

Oh god… my name is Tom…

“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously.

I don’t think that’s spurious. I think that’s quite apropos.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him.

Which is now mostly transformed into a DeLorean, and should therefore weigh several tons.

“Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!!

What’s so important about 2:18?????

I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in.

Trust me, Ebony, there’s nobody odder than you.

It was……..Satan.

“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.

Yes. That’s exactly what you are.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 50

And I’ve sat through a large amount of wardrobe porn in this thing, but that last one… that last one just sounds painful.

Also, her mid-black what?? (Don’t wanna know don’t wanna know…)

“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.

“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him.

“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered.

Yeah, if a stupid goth girl yanked me into the future through an iPod time machine I’d be whimpering too.

“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.

It even has a little Goth pompadour.

“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.

Soil.

“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.

Not really. Sand is generally drier and contains less organic matter.

“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled.

How does that make any sense? AT ALL?

Unless he’s checking to make sure Ebony is still stupid.

Yes. That makes sense.

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

“OMG you’re fucking alive!” said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 50.5

I explained 2 her why I was alive.

Good, because I’d sure as hell like to know…

“Konichiwa, bitch.” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 51.5

“Hey, motherfucker.” Said Diabolo with his red hair.

Ok, so I guess Ron’s hair can talk now…

He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit

A what now?

and blak baggy pants.
“Hey whose that, Ibony?” B’loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it

A “pentarom” sounds like a really terrible euphemism for a fivesome.

with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

Which I guess are stolen stilettos?

Also.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 52

“Oh its Satan.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

If had to listen to the three of you talk, I’d be crying too.

“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.

“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked.

What if I don’t like you because you’re BORING???

“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.

“Ok.” He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied.

How would he manage to…

Satan fell asleep.

Oh. Of course.

Orgasm counter: 36

I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes,

This whole damn outfit is depressing…

white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

Wardrobe porn counter: 53

“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.

Let’s see, best way from Azerbaijan to England is by the airport in Kirovabad…

“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire.

And from another time, and already in Hell, and a Mary Sue, and probably for a bunch of other reasons too.

Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him.

Good for her.

I never liked her she was a bad student.” Trevolry said reassuredly.

A little late to fail her now

“That bitch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” I shouted angrily.

Hagrid would have had to have been healed, not freed.

I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.

“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!!!!!!” Trevolry said worriedly.

“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How cum he was doing it with Snap?????”

Cum was most likely exactly why he was doing it with Snap…

“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said.

“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped.

Yes it is. But not for your reasons.

Satan was still asleep,

In spite of all the yelling and gasping.

so he couldn’t tell what was going on.

Thank you, Tara, for reminding me that sleeping people are unconscious.

Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.

“Good luck Tara!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.

Everyone?? Like, all seven billion?

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly.

Oh, they’d better be scared…

There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer.

I would have preferred an atmosphere of nitrogen and oxygen, but I’ll take what I can get.

On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos.

With the exception of the stilettos, that sounds a lot more sensible than the shit you’re wearing right now.

She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

That’s. Not. What. A. Pentagram. IS!

“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.

“No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.

Britney has better spelling than anyone else in your ‘fic!

“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand

Best worst word choices ever.

and she started screaming koz she was being tortured

Yes, that’s generally what torture does…

and I laughed sodistically.

“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape

Oh wow, space age technology!

of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it.

He-who-hath-many-names (and a goddamn OWL FETISH!) counter: 42

Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera.

Rown rown rown your boat, gently down the stairs…

When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira!!!!111” I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily.

Cuddly.

He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow.

The attempt by Apple to corner the cosmetics market was not well received.

His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes.

His… He?

I shudder to think what that is a euphemism for.

He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!!!1)

Wardrobe porn counter: 54

“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.

And I was so worried you were going to survive.

“I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”

He-who-hath-many-names (and was yung) counter: 43

“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously.

“Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?” Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.

Hey, I’m the angry snarker here!

“I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM.” I SED SMARTY.

“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily.

At least they aren’t tangled in the hair of a magical magic creature this time…

“OK.” I argreed. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out.

Oh goody, so now it’s black again…

And den…….da Dork Mark appeared.

DorkMark

“Oh my fucking satan!!!!!” Harry shouted.

“I fink Voldimort has arrivd.” I sed anxiously.

He-who-hath-many-names (and a large network of informants) counter: 44

“Fuck, I have to find Draco!!1 I guess we shood separate.”

“Ok.” Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

Happily… she never comes back.

Until next time, friends and neighbors…

Riffing My Immortal: Chapter 41

Previously on My Immortal

Our Fair Sue regained consciousness in the collective offices of the Norse people in a bed adjacent to that of Hagrid, who was spending some time forcibly integrated into the story’s punctuation in order to pay of his gambling debts. Chuck Norris allowed several of the *morts to enter and berate Ebony for not offing the Central Stu already, but they finally caught the angst virus and disappeared while sobbing tears of blood that may or may not have contained that serum we keep hearing about.

The Gothblob showered Ebony with praise and gifts of aircraft safety equipment, and it was revealed that her heroic pointless sacrifice had saved Lucius Malfoy from losing his arm after Snape somehow possessed himself in order to orchestrate the whole thing. (What I can’t figure out is why anyone would expect him to be in possession of anyone other than himself, but maybe he’s usually not in control of his own actions either?) Unable to kill herself through the act of getting out of bed (I think she just wasn’t trying hard enough, there’s plenty of ways to turn a bed lethal), Ebony bickered with her inane little friends about what to do for a while, then entered a room full of con-men to discover Draco engaged in highly unnatural actions with Severus Snape and some ugly clothing. Appropriately distraught over these occurrences for once, Ebony nonetheless failed to successfully off herself on the way to her room and settled for spending two hours and 18 minutes drying and sharpening a piece of red meat until she could slit her wrists with it and black out all of reality once again.

A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 15

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/11

Wardrobe porn counter: 47

Orgasm counter: 34

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 35
Chapter 41. In which the only remaining character Tara has not ruined… is ruined.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!!

Shouldn’t that be “get a death” or something, since, you know, you’re so goth?

Fine, fine…

WE GET IT, DESSICATED_LOGIC counter: 1

I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is

I do, but after reading this ‘fic I sort of wish I didn’t…

ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out.

Don’t bother.

Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks.

Oh goodie, more temporal confusion.

OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111

I don’t care.

I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako.

No he shouldn’t.

if u flame ill slit muh risztz!!!!!!!!11

Really!?!?!

raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tara, every time you unbalance your chapter headers Satan kills a metal band.

When I wook up I wuz in a strange room.

The way you describe things, every room is strange in one way or another.

I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XblakXTearX!!!!!11

Wardrobe Porn counter: Still 47.

I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!!

?

On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok

Ok, I’m imagining it, but I don’t know why I’d want to.

koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr)

Apparently Tara thinks that the history of human civilization consisted of 10,000 years of the 1980s, and then MCR.

I’m not surprised.

der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’

Beatles

“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111”

That still sounds highly unpleasant for Tim.

I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!).

He-who-hath-many-names(and a reference photo) counter: 36

Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11

He-who-hath-many-names (and a two-person “orgy”) counter: 37

Wardrobe Porn counter: 48

“OMFG Enoby r u ok.” He asked gothikally.

“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!!!!111

Ok, I think the way it works is that there is not one Ebony who travels back and forth in time, but actually two Ebonies who live concurrently in the 1980s and 2000s. When she leaves the 1980s by using the time machine or… falling through trap doors, I guess… the Ebony in the past actually goes around and does other stuff. That‘s why she goes from walking down the hall to eating cereal, and from being onstage in Hogs(meade/ment) to lying in the Norwegian parliament building, and why characters don’t notice she’s gone most of the time in the 1980s It’s possible that past-Ebony would have continued on her own and caused the future to develop normally (i.e., containing an unredeemed Voldemort), but it is future-Ebony’s intervention at certain important points that would cause it to change. This would explain why Ebony has to do her sessions at specific and arbitrary times: if the temporal transit system employed is of a form that sends the user exactly X years back in time and cannot easily be reset, then time in the 2000s and time in the 1980s would effectively be running concurrently, with one second elapsing in the 1980s with each second in the 2000s. Ebony would then have to wait until critical moments in the 1980s are nearby before she went in (since there appears to be a one-hour time limit on her transfer), and be in danger of missing those moments unless she traveled back at precisely the right time with respect to the 2000s.

Wait, why the hell am I analyzing this??

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing.

Because fuck temporal mechanics.

I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face.

Orgasm counter: 35?

Also, this one is multiple types of dirty.

“Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy’s dad is doing.”

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future.

You had your deus ex machina right FUCKING THERE! And you blew it!

“WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally.

What, like this?

I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.

Why? That would undo 20 years of bad blood between the Malfoys and Potters!

(Oh, wait, I guess that’s as good a reason as any to avoid doing it…)

“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly.

Headaches. The My Immortal answer to fucking everything.

“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!!!!!11

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/12

And I love how she can apparently sense people’s sexual orientations by visual inspection.

He had bleched blond hair

Blech” is right…

wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 49

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

“Dis is…Hedwig!!!!!!!!!11”

WHAT

Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

He-who-hath-many-names (and an extremely advanced command of Transfiguration?) counter: 38

“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

Then why were you using that voice?

“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature.

No, (s)he had the feathers of a magical creature.

He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)

I refuse to do so.

Not that it makes any goddamn difference to you, obviously.

“Bye.” I sed all sexily.

“Dat was Hedwig.

WE KNOW.

He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket-

Is this her “boy’s thingie” making a comeback???

a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif

As opposed to a video iPod you can’t take videos with?

(duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!!).

They’re smartphones with much more limited capabilities.

“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig.

Why are you even going to classes, anyways? YOU’RE A GODDAMN OWL!!!

Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”

Ew.

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall.

Well, that’s “something grate” all right…

Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.

“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him.

That’s… umm… I hate to break it to you but that right there is talking.

“Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!!1”

I love how they already know what their sons’ nicknames will be.

“Yah go fuck urself Samaro!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

Somehow.

“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great.

Well I would hardly call it a “plan”, but…

Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him!

He-who-hath-many-names (and apparently not much of a sex life) counter: 39

Now Vampire’s dad wood never die

Never??

Wow.

and “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.

Did…. did they consent to this?

Can an owl consent to anything????

“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily.

I get it! This is supposed to be “sexy”.

Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi.

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/13

I noo Snape was bi.

Homophobia/philia counter: 6/13?

“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!”

He-who-hath-many-names! (And is a god!) counter: 41!!!!

screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s.

GunPorn

Sexy.

But suddenly everything stopped

Thank. GOD.

as da door opend and in kame………………Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!!!!111111111111

Hopefully to pummel the Gothblob into submission in a blur of cheesy 80s action-movie madness and epic guitar work.

Until next time, friends and neighbors…

Riffing My Immortal: Chapter 40

Previously on My Immortal

Our Fair Sue toked up with Voldemort and interrogated him on how to cure people of an addiction to his blood serum (does this mean he had some active role in inventing the stuff? I literally just realized while I was typing this that they expect him to know about it because it’s named “Voldemortserum” or some permutation thereof and he later becomes Voldemort). After dispensing a theoretical antidote formula of what may be the most common substance in the My Immortal universe, the Dark Lord parked in front of a grim movie theater that had just appeared out of nowhere and walked into one of the ropes that kept people in line.

Eventually finding their seats, our dynamic duo watched some sort of cheap knockoff version of The Exorcist featuring specifically heterosexual sex, blood (but funny blood, mind you) and the destruction of breakfast products. Aware that “Satan” found the film engrossing, Ebony seized the opportunity to drug his overbranded cigar with Amnesia/Ambrosia Potion. Immediately after she made the drop and not a moment before, he lit the tainted tobacco and began smoking it, violating every single air-quality regulation in existence simultaneously as the potion summoned these… really… obnoxious… clouds that sort of wandered around the theater for a while. Despite the pyrotechnics, a Confusing Temporal Mess prevented the potion from having any effect on Voldemort, the Dark Lord confessing to attempted date rape in the process of revealing the information.

Neither of our duo seemed particularly upset by the attempts to chemically adulterate each other, and they decided to have sex in the theater anyway after toking up on feces, the Gallic identity, and common kitchen spices. This unsurprisingly attracted the attention of the other theater patrons, but despite being armed and willing to shoot on sight some poor woman who was brave enough to confront them was quickly and brutally exsanguinated. The two left the theater in the ensuing panic and committed a few more crimes by driving drunk, exposing themselves indecently, and apparently never paying for their movie tickets.

Having wasted a great deal of time on general delinquency, Ebony arrived late at the concert she was supposed to perform at, interrupted a bricklaying swordfish mid-”song”, and climbed onto a deer in order to sing bad anachronistic rock with what was left of the Marauders. “Satan”’s belching was enough to cause one of the band members to perform improperly, and they immediately degenerated into a complete scrum on stage. James Potter tried to pull a ballistic knife or a bayonet or… something with the intent of amputating Lucius Malfoy’s arm, but at the last second Our Fair Sue hurled herself in front of the bullet/blade and turned the world blacker than it already was.

And if you’re wondering where the hacker chapter went, I couldn’t really make it funnier and the nascent My Immortal wiki could use a few clicks, so it can be found here.

A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 15

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/11

Wardrobe porn counter: 46

Orgasm counter: 31

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 31

Chapter 40 In which slash happens.

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1

So, basically, fang nobody and fuck everybody.

(Otherwise known as every single other My Immortal author’s note to date.)

MCR RULEZ 666!111

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXX

I wonder if the chapter dividers are holding closed gashes in reality or something.

(It would explain a lot.)

I woke up in da Norse’s offace

The office of the Norse.

on a special gothik coffin.

As opposed to a…. regular gothic coffin?

Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma

HagridComma

coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up.

Congratulations. Your “protagonists” just beat another student/groundskeeper into unconsciousness and possibly permanent brain damage. (Or maybe gambled him into punctuation, I’m not at all sure.)

Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

Good for him.

“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

Orgasm counter: 32

He-who-hath-many-names (and a sunny disposition?) counter: 32

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily.

Ho hum…

Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

She’s…. she’s just woobified the Dark Lord.

Good. God.

Also, Chuck Norris is apparently still cleaning through all of this.

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.

He-who-hath-many-names (and tears of blood like every single other goddamn character!) counter: 33

Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came!

Orgasm counter: 35

And wait, isn’t Da Worst Fucking Teacher Ever supposed to be incarcerated?

B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez.

Festive.

VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

He-who-hath-many-names (and a sticky CAPS-LOCK KEY) counter: 34

“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem.

Good. Question.

“Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.

So is that like a goth gasp?

“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”

Note that in My Immortal‘s Hogwarts, temporally selective lethal dance is apparently a thing.

“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James.

Reacharound

“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly.

“He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.” Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it)

Corps Bride sounds like a euphemism for wartime prostitutes. Or one of those hideous “military families” shows.

I’m not sure which would be worse.

on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily

coz he h8ed gothz.

Vriska! Get out of this ‘fic! Go back where you belong!

“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally.

How the hell do you ask that “gothically”!?!?!

“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.”

A surprisingly appropriate title.

said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up.

All of them?

Cum on!1”

Ew.

I got up suicidally.

What, did you try to bash your own brains out on the ceiling or something?

Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun.

Well, we’ve had wardrobe porn and gun porn, I suppose it was only a matter of time before the two fused.

Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u).

I will not rub you. And I do not want to know.

I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes.

Wardrobe Porn counter: 47

I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.

“We can go c Hose of Wax

Waterproof, but inflexible.

wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.

“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine.

Did she just… say “666”?

We opened da conmen room door sexily.

If anyone in the con men’s room asks you to wire funds, just turn and walk away…

And den………..I gasped………………………………………

And kept gasping for a while.

Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111

Because why the fuck not?

He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

And… surprise wardobe porn!

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.

No, he’s fucking a prep. Slight difference.
“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

Vampire Potter shoots from the hip.

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s.

Owwwwww…

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1).

No you don’t.

I ran suicidally to my room

What, trying to slit her wrists on the banisters?

I sexily took a steak out.

“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8

What was so important about 2:18??

I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

Black. Yet again…

Until next time, friends and neighbors…

Riffing My Immortal: Chapter 38

Previously on My Immortal

Following his brutal beating by the Sue Squad, Hagrid was chained to the floor and just kind of left there while everyone stroked everyone else’s shallow little ego and insulted random bystanders. Draco, Ebony, and some other individual who may or may not have been Tara Gilsebie herself got confused about the locations of Da Worst Fucking Teacher Ever’s various misspellings and encountered Tom Riddle, who was continuing to be neither *Mort nor native to the 1940s. He gave Ebony yet more obnoxious wardrobe porn along with a bag full of garnishes, then left the Gothblob to discover a notice stating that obnoxious gothery was now a crime and Dumbledore (having recovered his bout with cancer) had been returned to teaching on a probationary basis.

The man himself then wandered into his office and, seeing the two miscreants who had just beaten another student and/or the groundskeeper into unconsciousness and chained him to the floor, did the only sensible thing and opened fire. Leaving Draco and Tom Rid to be gunned down, Ebony fled in Marty McFly’s Situational DeLorean and was moved from the Divination Tower to the Potions Master’s Office in the 1980s. She encountered a really ugly iteration of the Amnesia Potion while sneaking around, then was surprised by Professor Slughorn/Slutgorn and used me, your brave riffer, to mouth some ridiculous excuses and smuggle the damn potion out of his office while wearing an impractical outfit.

I guess I managed to make the handoff to her or something, because I gained control of my own actions again and Ebony wandered into the con-men’s room to gabble with the Marauders about their terrible goth band, then departed with the personification of evil.

A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 14

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/10

Wardrobe porn counter: 46

Orgasm counter: 29

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 25

Chapter 38. In which Ebony sets Voldemort out on his life of crime.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation?

Well, then it wouldn’t be ended, would it?

oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111

I fail to see how that would inform my opinion on… anything, really.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX6666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hurray! More sixes!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it.

Is that even legal?? At some point it stops being an issue of freedom of expression and becomes an issue of being so damn garish you distract other drivers.

On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it.

From outside, apparently.

We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan),

WE GET IT TARA counter: 15

kuttting, musik and being goffik.

So, basically, you talked about the letter ‘k’.

“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed.

He-who-hath-many-names (and a huge staaaash, maaaaan) counter: 28

(koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/11
“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena.” I said in a flirty voice.

Our loss…

“……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”

Because those two topics are so obviously related.”

Also. He-who-hath-many-names (and a sruem, whatever that is…) counter: 29

“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.”

You don’t sound very sure there, bucko. And you shouldn’t be, given that you’re inexplicably just a poorly-performing student in this time period…

Actually, for that matter if this “drink vampire blood” thing actually worked, given the ridiculous overabundance of vampires and their blood at Hogwarts it seems like that would have been one of the first things Da Worst Fucking Teacher Ever would have tried.

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater.

He-who-hath-many-names (and drives recklessly) counter: 30

Also…

WHY IS LITERALLY EVERYTHING BLACK AND SUDDEN?!?!

Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether

So what, like an HDMI cable?

were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol.

Orgasm counter: 30

Better hide the Lucky Charms.

And I don’t think that a scene like that exists anywhere in The Exorcist, which was after all about demon possession and not murderers.

Lol.

Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.

And I laughed at you because I’m a masochist.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket

I… really hope that’s not a real thing.

and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it.

My, what perfect timing…

Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

clouds

“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”

I new that the amnesia had worked.

“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” He said.

“2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.”

“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly.

No. That is rapey and not “kul” at all.

And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily

I wonder… can you actually get high from smoking cloves?

and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit.

Ew.

He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

Yeah, what’s the world coming to when you can’t even have sex in a public movie theater...

Although even I don’t think it should be punishable by firing squad...

“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.

Well that’s…. a bit disproportionate, don’t you think?

“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped

I’m not sure how that’s better.

koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.

You just exsanguinated a woman in a public movie theater. Doesn’t really meet my definition of “cute”.

Satan and I started to walk outside.

Still mostly naked. Again.

“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

He-who-hath-many-names (and a turned-on voice) counter: 31

“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.

“Siriusly?” he gasped.

No, Ebonyly. Sirius is still a human, hopefully.

“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car.

She just keeps piling on the felonies here…

I smelled happily.

I bet she smells like nail polish, overpriced perfume, and musty basement.

“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”

Not really. It didn’t make very much sense while we were watching it anyway.

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway

Which is… actually a normal color for asphalt.

next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

Doesn’t that mean you’re late for your back-up performance?

“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage.

Marlin Mason needs to practice more. A lot more.

We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1

Orga(i)sm counter: 31

Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

“I wood like to peasant……………..

You’re about as literate as a peasant, too…

XBlakXTearX!11” he said.

How is that even PRONOUNCED??

I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there.

Who are these people again???

They started 2 play their instilments.

Instilment” sounds like it should be a word, i.e. something one has been instilled with, but sadly it isn’t.

I got onstag.
That sounds… somewhat dirty.
“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song)

You also don’t know the lyrics to that song…

My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy.

Tara…. do you even know what the hell a pentagram is?!?!?!

Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation.

You know, I’ve realized in real life you never see a professional musician belch on stage. You’d think it would happen sooner or later.

“I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

The horror!

“OMFG!1” yielded James. “Wut the fuck?”

“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.

Because on stage it’s so much better to fight this out on stage instead of just, you know, continuing with the song

“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.

Yes, Lucian. This is you.

“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”

Ew?

“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.

“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro.

No, I think you were doing a good enough job of that on your own.

“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight.

Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.

“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.

Strangely specific aiming there.

With a gun, no less…

And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11

Fired… from… a… knife?

“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

Because everything just couldn’t go ANY OTHER GODDAMN COLOR.

Until next time, friends and neighbors…

Riffing My Immortal: Chapter 37

Previously on My Immortal

Returned to the mid-90s by Marty McFly’s transtemporal carpool service, Our Fair Sue encountered one of the most famous philosophers of all time and immediately thought about clothes. She agreed to go shopping at Hot Topic after attempting to find a portion-control regimen that would gradually wean Da Worst Fucking Teacher Ever off of any of the *morts’ blood serum. Realizing it was time for Potions (seemingly the only normal course Hogwarts still offers), the Gothblob wandered to some other part of the Void and encountered the Minister of Magic, teaching introductory lessons for some incomprehensible reason after Dumbledore had been sent to Central Asia for cancer treatment.

After firing ineffectually at the students for a while in a vain attempt to keep them from slacking off and consuming alcohol in really disgusting mixtures, the Minister stomped off, leaving the students to repeatedly notice that Hagrid had somehow squeezed himself into a cupboard and was tampering with Ebony’s hemoslurry. After restraining the groundskeeper/student (somehow) and executing him by gunshot, Our Fair Sue examined the adulturated adult beverage, and discovered perhaps the most precious treasure in all of My Immortal– a potion that can erase its suckiness from human memory.

A concerted effort counter: 7

WE GET IT, TARA counter: 14

Homophobia/philia counter: 5/10

Wardrobe porn counter: 44.5

Orgasm counter: 26

He-who-hath-many-names counter: 25

Chapter 37. In which the narrative fights back.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION

And I’d suggest a vocation other than writing.

ON DA FRIST OF JULY

So is the Frist of July like the Ides of March?

SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

WHAT???

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I wish I could go through the rest of my life and never have to see another ‘X’.

Or a ‘6’, for that matter.

DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL

Does this mean we get visions of the ‘fic ending?

Because that at least would be worthy of “lol”.

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

With what, your body jewlery??

(disturbingly plausible…)

“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot.

No she was not.

“Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1”

I wondered if she meant this to be “Ambrosia potion”.

But that would require Tara to know what “Ambrosia” means.

“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”

Yeah, yeah, stroke her ego some more why don’t you.

Wait.

Roll that back a moment.

“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,”

Tata

It’s official.

The author of My Immortal CANNOT EVEN SPELL HER OWN NAME.
“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby.

Because the pacing isn’t rushed enough as is.

“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.

She may not have to, but she probably will anyway.

“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.

Who is here…. why?

“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow.

“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”

MOVING ON…

Draco, Ebory and I

Please hold while the POV system ties itself into a pretzel.

went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there.

Profesor Siniater wasn’t in Profesor Sinister’s room. Profesor Sinister was. Profesor Siniater was in Profesor Siniater’s room.

Obviously.

Instead Tom Rid was.

Still existing completely independent of both *mort and “Satan”, I see.

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I took out da cloves from da bag.

Spicy!

It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

Wardrobe porn counter: 45.5

“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way.

What, like while wearing a big black cloak?

I took da clothes in da bag.

Thereby rendering your removal of them from the bag three lines ago utterly pointless.

“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now.

And good riddance.

Classes shal be taught by Dubledork

Is Dubledork from Dusseldorf?

who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily.

Not OMFS?

“How could they do that!11”

Well, they could use a pen to write the message on a piece of paper, then put it on the wall.

Suddenly Dumblydore came.

Orgasm Counter: 27

“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily.

Evidently Hogwarts employs some form of the castle doctrine.

Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111

Because that makes perfect sense.

I jumped seductivly in2 it

What, like Marilyn Monroe or something??

leaving Draco and Vampire.

GOOD.

Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11

Seriously, did this turn into a crossover with Fantastic Voyage too and the author just didn’t tell us?

I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface!

Seriously, what do you have against his mother?

And once again, Tara Gilesbie taught me a new word!

I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk.

Apparently there is only one in all of existence.

Which makes me wonder, if Ebony then uses it all up in the past, what will happen to Hagrid trying to put it in Ebony’s drink? Because his doing so was what gave her the idea to use it in the past in the first place.

It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross.

Bottle porn counter: 1

I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11

And here I thought it was going to be Tom Bombadil again.

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

I think the narrative just had a seizure.

“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally

Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.

Wait, I just said that?

hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket.

“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.

Help me… I’m stuck in the ‘fic…

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes.

AWolfInSheepsClothing

Damn you, Tara…

Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.

Who are these people?

“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”

And umm, if you don’t mind I’ll just, uhh, show myself out and grab the nearest set of cargo pants…

“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious.

Orgasm Counter: 28…. for now.

“BTW u can kall me Hades now.”

Ignoring the temporal snarl created by having Sirius think of a new name in the past when he does not use it in the narratively-previous present

I still think Fangs would have been a much better nickname.

Suddenly Satan came.

Orgasm counter: 29

He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

Wardrobe porn counter: 46

“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan.

Yes.

Do that.

Go to Hell.